ladyinterior:

Postcards For Ants, Lorraine Loots

Judge Me by My Story…

This past year I took time to reflect on a lot of things that caused my unhappiness. Every encounter I’ve had that resulted in friendships & my social life in general. This year is the first time in forever that I wasn’t actively going out. Maybe being short on money, lack of communication or what have you. But the “true friendships” never die. No matter if you’ve filled them in with your backstory, struggles or whatever. You will have those people who never leave you feeling abandoned like a couch on the side of the road. But I finally realized what disconnects me from people…it’s there judgement through my life story…why I am..who I am. You can shake your head in disagreement but it’s factually true. It’s hurts…the feeling is blinding sometimes. Here’s were my heart lies dry and numb to the vacancy of friends in my life. I’ve given up the hope and search for people I can trust with my heart of feelings. I’ve come to ignore my feelings and my overthinking of the circumstances that have me beaten…defeated. I needed to type this out because I’ve encountered extreme shade lately from people who knew me and they would walk pass me like I was invisible…transparent… “Ouch,”softly released from my lips. I would love to stand there and not feel.. But I can’t avoid this things because I’m too nice, too friendly and a people pleaser. I’m haunted by the curse of forgotten memory filled friendships that have shadowed me my entire life. I’m always left questioning why? When? How? What did I do wrong? What did I say? Why did you stop talking to me? When did things go downhill in our friendship? Why can’t people be honest with me for once? Instead of completely ignoring me, not responding to my texts or just to miss me a bit. Is it so hard to make friendships a two way street with me. I know don’t know what to do anymore. Have I become that socially awkward. I know I don’t speak much..but I really just don’t know what to do anymore…

I’m beginning to realize…

When I text people to say hey, we should hang out soon or I don’t see you enough..they just laugh at the text and continue to ignore me & pretend to be my friend. we’ll you know what…God bless you and let God bless me to move on with this hurt heart. Who needs friends anyway. I should continue with my social life that has hit rock bottom.